Words

I’ve been thinking about the power of words this week.

They can motivate, offer wisdom, tell the truth, instruct, encourage, inspire and . . . damage.

Being an overly sensitive person, I try to do a mental check and make sure that what I’m about to say is as clear and gentle as possible. I rarely speak when I’m angry because I know that my words will not be filtered. Instead they become sharp, flaming arrows looking to penetrate the closest target.

I had something flowery written about how we should all be better people by watching what we say as to not hurt others and therefore create some new sensation for world peace, me leading the way with my white banner of pride.  But that’s crap – and not reality.

It’s true I try to be selective with my words and I don’t like to have discussions when I’m angry because I turn into a fire spitting beast. I rarely get angry. Frustrated yes, but I like to keep my anger at bay because I have an out of body experience and don’t care who I hurt at the moment so long as that itch to verbally attack anyone in my way is scratched. It’s ugly.

My previous draft talked about words spoken in anger vs. written form. I tend to forget conversations so for me, the written form is more damaging.

I had that experience this week. A discussion turned into the beginnings of an argument where all of my insecurities were hit in one email. I felt naked, raw and hollow. In a word: icky. I tried to take the higher road by not responding, and hence came my high and mighty original draft of this post. Then Friday hit and sitting in my inbox was: “Are you going to respond to my email? Just curious . . . I think I deserve a response.”

Now, this person said some other things in between that I’ve left out for simplicity’s sake. But my buttons were pushed! I was off, and I was angry. “You want a response eh . . . here you go!”

Things poured from my fingers I knew were spiteful. Sarcasm and harshness laced this email. Areas where I was being mean were pointed out with asterisks and parentheses (literally, I said, “I know that was mean but…”) As I fixed my typos, a small voice said, “You might want to wait on sending this – you know when you’re not angry and purposely trying to send a face slap via the internet.”

I hit send, and smiled.

It felt good to give into that monster and not care so much about other people. I felt empowered. Tough. Strong. And Evil.

As I re-read what I had just sent, I thought about how this person was going to feel after reading my nasty letter. I felt pretty guilty. Even though by the world’s standard – I was justified in my actions, and a response was requested.

But I let myself down, and I let God down too.

The Bible says: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” –Proverbs 15:1

I try to do what the Bible says and live my life how God wants, but I’m not perfect. While I’m not sorry for addressing how this person hurt me in that email, I am sad that I responded in anger and purposely pointed out where I knew I was being mean. That’s not me and I can never take those words back.

Technology makes it easier for us to be harsh. We don’t have to see the pain we cause because there’s a screen or a keypad in front of us. But we still have minds that keep us in check, even when we’re angry. So listen to that small voice next time, whether it’s sending an email or having a conversation. You can’t control what the other person is going to say, but you can control your behavior and reaction to them.

And no, I haven’t had a response from this person yet and I doubt I will. Sometimes, silence is the best healing.